Dave: Hey, guess what! Today is a very special day!
Oh, is it really? Is it by any chance because you have a new “amazing” fan theory to share?
Dave: Actually, I found TWO fan theories!
Oh what joy…
Dave: But that’s not what’s so special. Do you know what day it is today?
…It’s wednesday, my dude?
Dave: Ok, yes… but it’s also May 4’th!
OK, what’s so special about May the… wait, don’t tell me…
Dave: That’s right, it’s Star Wars day! And to celebrate, I’ve got two fan theories for you!
But… I talked about Star Wars last time. And you brought me another star wars theory the time before that!
Dave: I know, but I saw the date and… well, we can’t NOT do some Star Wars theories today of all days, can we?
I’m not gonna lie, after two consecutive articles about this stuff, I’m all Star Wars’d out. Don’t you have anything else we could look at?
Dave: Well, I did find one theory that suggested that the Wizard of Oz is the father of Willy Wonka, and he learned candy making from the munchkins and-
Aagh, god damnit, alright, we’ll do the Star Wars theories! Just promise me none of them is about someone secretly being a Sith.
Dave: Of course. None of these theories are about anyone being a Sith.
Or Jedi!
Dave: Yes, or Jedi. Nobody in these theories is secretly a force user of any kind. But I have to confess that the first theory is at least about a Jedi. Specifically, it’s a theory that Mace Windu planned to take over the republic!
I see. Explain.
Dave: In Revenge of the Sith, the possibility was raised of the Jedi Council taking control of the Senate. Mace Windu was therefore in a perfect position to take over the republic. As Master of the Order, AKA the leader of the Jedi Council, he would have been in charge, if the Jedi Order took control.
Uh-huh…
Dave: We also know that his lightsaber style was channeling his inner darkness, making him more susceptible to being influenced and corrupted by the dark side, and those who fall to the dark side tend to become enamored with power. So perhaps he grew disillusioned by the code of the Jedi, and planned to seize power over the republic?
Well, that’s pretty elaborate, I will admit. But of course, ”elaborate” doesn’t mean it’s therefore true, given all the problems with it.
Dave: What problems?
Oh, where to begin… Well, for starters, this theory appears to be pretty at odds with Mace Windu’s actions and personality. He doesn’t really show any signs of being disillusioned with the Jedi, or working against them, or any signs of having a lust for power.
Dave: Well, he died before he could really show his true colours… but he IS the one to suggest that the Jedi Council should take control of the senate, after removing Palpatine from office.
True, but he wasn’t the one to bring up the idea of removing Palpatine in the first place. That suggestion was brought up by another Jedi Master. In fact, if Mace Windu really planned to take over the republic, then it has to be said he’s terrible at planning.
Dave: How so?
Think about it. Not only is this a plan based on an idea from someone else, but it also hinges completely on Palpatine refusing to give up his power. Keep in mind that at this point, nobody in the Jedi Order knows that Palpatine is actually a Sith.
It’s only AFTER Windu learns this that he goes to confront Palpatine, because he knows what a very serious danger the man is.
But that hasn’t happened yet. All this meeting was about was the aftermath of the war, and the possibility of Palpatine refusing to give up his power. If he had given up power… then Windu’s plan would completely fall apart!
Dave: Uhm…
This is of course ignoring that the plan already has a gaping hole in it, since even if the Jedi took control, Windu’s supposed rise to power isn’t anywhere close to being certain.
Dave: Oh really? He’s highly respected in the order, and wouldn’t have much problem, as leader of the council, to sway others to his side of things.
And therein lies the problem. You see, Mace Windu wasn’t the Master of the Order.
Dave: What?!
You heard me. Now, I know he WAS Master of the Order up until the battle of Geonosis. But after that, he relinquished the title and ceded leadership of the council to Yoda.
In other words, in the event of the Jedi Order taking control of the galactic senate, YODA would be the de-facto leader of the republic.
Dave: Unless Yoda returned the title to Windu…
Which is another big obstacle in Windu’s supposed pursuit of power. An obstacle, I remind you, that HE HIMSELF created!
I mean, ignore the part where the supposedly power hungry jedi seeking galactic domination willingly gave up power, in a move that only served to HAMPER him, and instead consider the fact that Yoda’s presence is, in itself a detriment to him.
This is the oldest and wisest Jedi there is, the Grand Master of the Order. The person who has REPEATEDLY worried about the darkness he sensed in Anakin, and who was so in tune with the force he seemed near to collapse when he felt other Jedi being killed all over the galaxy as a result of Order 66, and STILL had the presence of mind to sense the intent of the clones who were about to kill him.
And you think that Mace Windu would somehow be able to hide being corrupted by the dark side from him, when the two regularly hang out, not just on the council, but one on one?
And even then, the way you’re elected as Master of the Order is by unanimous vote! One can assume, therefore, that this position can be removed by a vote. This means Windu would really just be first among equals, rather than some irrefutable leader, whom all others must obey.
And once you take that into consideration, none of this theory actually makes much sense. Mace Windu simply isn’t this stupid or shortsighted! He’d constantly have to contend with opinions and arguments of his peers, which kinda goes against the whole pursuit of power thing he never actually shows any real signs of in the movies!
And you know the worst thing about this theory?
Dave:…No?
It’s not that it’s very at odds with the rest of the movies. Like I said, Mace Windu is never shown as lusting for power, which is notable because, let’s be honest, Star Wars in general and the prequels in particular were never exactly subtle about who the bad guys were!
And it’s not that you have, YET AGAIN, brought me a theory about someone secretly being a Sith!
Dave: Hey, I never said he was a sith. I said he was corrupted by the dark side.
Ok, fine, I will give credit that you at least adhered to the LETTER of the promise, if perhaps not the spirit… but no, that’s not the biggest issue I have with this theory.
My issue is that this theory is so completely pointless! Even if, somehow, despite all arguments to the contrary, it turned out that Mace Windu did in fact plan to take control of the Republic… What difference does it make?
It’s not like it vindicates Palpatine, since he has actively planned and plotted and sparked off an entire intergalactic war, all in his OWN pursuit of power, which eventually led to the creation of the Death Star, which in turn killed millions, on top of countless other atrocities.
And if it’s to make Mace Windu look bad… Well, how does that improve things? At best, it kinda weakens the whole “Anakin-turns-to-the-dark-side”, if Mace Windu’s death, which Anakin was an accessory to, was just ending the lesser of two evils.
At worst, the theory is saying that this plot and this character are both so hollow, we have to make shit up to make it more interesting!
Now, what’s the second theory? And please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t have it be another person being a secret force user or a corrupted force user or anything remotely like that!
Dave: Yeah, yeah, I get it. Don’t worry. For this theory, we have to go back to the very first movie, A New Hope, and the death of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.
Right. They were executed by stormtroopers. What about it?
Dave: Ah, that’s the thing. Perhaps they weren’t! The theory is that Owen and Beru were killed by Boba Fett!
Oh for the love of-
Dave: Wait, come on, I think you’ll find the arguments rather compelling!
I remain dubious, but so long as you PROMISE there are no force users involved, I will at least hear you out.
Dave: OK, let’s look at the facts here. We know that Boba Fett was on Tatooine around the time Owen and Beru were killed. There’d likely be a bounty out for the droids, which would mean Boba was involved in the search, since we later see he’s clearly comfortable working for the Empire.
Right.
Dave: Now, in the scene in The Empire Strikes Back, Vader singles out Boba Fett in particular, telling him “no disintegrations”, suggesting this has been an issue in the past. Given the state of Owen and Beru, it’s possible Vader is referring to this incident.
Uh-huh.
Dave: The stormtroopers would have had no reason to kill Owen and Beru, when they could just have imprisoned them instead. This level of carnage, burning their bodies and their home, only makes sense if someone was trying to cover their trail, which would make sense for a bounty hunter trying to keep competition from getting the same information.
I see… Well, let’s get this over with. First of all, don’t they specify in the movie that the Jawas who sold R2-D2 and C-3PO were killed by Stormtroopers?
Dave: Aah, yes, but Boba Fett is a clone of Jango Fett, who in turn was the template for the clone troopers. In other words, Boba has stormtrooper DNA!
Yes, except the stormtroopers we see aren’t all clones.
Dave: What?
Canonically, by the time of A New Hope, the cloning facilities on Kamino had been shut down for many, many years. The imperial stormtroopers were mainly conscripts and recruits, though still loyal to the Empire. In fact, Luke planned to join the Imperial Academy and, presumably, become a stormtrooper himself!
And it’s pretty obvious that when the Jawas were killed, it was by a large number of people, not just one person.
Dave: Well, maybe Boba Fett disguised the scene, to make it look like sand people did it, to cover his tracks?
But… you said he killed Owen and Beru to cover his tracks, right? The only trail to Owen and Beru were the Jawas, who you claim he killed. So either he knew killing the Jawas wouldn’t keep the competition off his trail, in which case killing them was pointless… or he thought it’d be effective, in which case killing Owen and Beru just adds MORE of a trail!
And you say that the stormtroopers would have no reason to kill Owen and Beru… except not only is that not true, but Boba Fett would have even LESS of a reason to kill them!
Dave: What are you talking about?
You claim that he killed Owen and Beru to keep anyone from following his trail. But Owen and Beru had no clue where Luke and the droids were! There’s no point in killing them to keep them from telling anyone what they know, when THEY DON’T KNOW ANYTHING! Again, killing them only creates more of a trail!
And when we see Boba Fett later, he’s in Mos Eisley acting as muscle for Jabba the Hutt. You know, instead of LOOKING FOR THE DROIDS!
Really, the only way Boba Fett doing this makes any sense is if he was deliberately tasked with killing Owen and Beru!
Dave: Well… perhaps he was?
Oh sure, the decision is made, either by the stormtroopers or Vader himself that Owen and Beru should die, and they looked at these two elderly moisture farmers living in the middle of nowhere, with absolutely nothing in the way of military training, and think “Better get the expert bounty hunter to take care of these two”. After all, the stormtroopers are only highly trained military officers, and these two old codgers literally harvest dampness! Clearly, Boba Fett is needed here!
Yeah, that doesn’t really add up, does it?
Now, by contrast, put yourself in the shoes of the stormtroopers, looking for the droids which Lord Vader has ordered to be found, since they’re carrying sensitive data stolen by the rebel alliance. We can suppose they find the escape shuttle, and they follow the tracks and find signs of Jawas. They locate the Jawas and discover they have sold the droid. Now, they ask themselves… Is this a simple coincidence, or are these Jawas rebel agents, and have they seen the sensitive data?
Conclusion: It’s impossible to know for certain that they haven’t seen the data and are not rebel agents. The only safe course of action is to kill them all and track down whoever bought the droid.
After this, they find the Lars Homestead, and discover that the droids are missing. Their nephew just so happened to take the droids away somewhere, and the couple claim they don’t know where. This whole thing reeks of bullshit. Conclusion: these two are likely colluding with the rebels, and their kid is long gone with the droids.
These stormtroopers aren’t reasoning that these people might be assets, or that they need to cover the trail to keep off the competition. They are reasoning that these two are traitors to the Empire, and subject to summary execution!
And a simple blaster firing squad isn’t enough. An example must be made to the rebels. So they burn the couple alive and torch their house.
But now the trail has gone cold, and when we see stormtroopers next, they are patrolling the Mos Eisley spaceport, with orders to find the droids, leading to Obi-Wan uttering one of the most famous lines of the entire franchise.
These are not the droids you’re looking for.
Again, the same spaceport Boba Fett is at, very much NOT looking for any droids! The most notorious bounty hunter in the galaxy, who according to this theory is so determined to find his quarry that he has murdered about a dozen people just to make sure nobody else gets the bounty… and now he’s LOST FUCKING INTEREST!?
Dave: Uhm… Well… Ah, what about the “no disintegrations” thing, then?
It’s funny you should mention that, because in a way, that’s actually an argument AGAINST this theory.
Dave: Wait, what?
You said it yourself. Vader makes it a point to tell Boba Fett “no disintegrations”. But this cannot be referring to Owen and Beru.
Dave: Why not?
Because Owen and Beru weren’t disintegrated! They were burned alive! When you disintegrate something, you don’t leave charred remains. You leave DUST! If Vader had said “no incinerations”, then you could perhaps argue that he may have been talking about Owen and Beru. It’d still be inaccurate, but it could just have been a very botched attempt, leaving burned corpses rather than a pile of ash.
But he didn’t say that. He said “disintegrations”, which is demonstrably NOT what happened to Owen and Beru.
So really, you have nothing that really proves Boba Fett killed Owen and Beru, and in fact have plenty of arguments for why he WOULDN’T!
But again, what truly bugs me about this theory is the same as with the other one. It just seems like so much effort has gone into this, to prove something that wouldn’t make any difference!
Actually, that is a bit of a lie. Truth be told, I can see the purpose of this theory.
Dave: You can?
Sure. You see, the fact that this theory exists illustrates an opinion I’ve held for a long time.
The thing is, and I hate to tell you this… but Boba Fett in the movies sucks! I’m sorry, but he does! Retroactively adding him to A New Hope was just an attempt to make him more relevant, like he’s been there from the start, but the fact is that his only contribution to the original trilogy begins and ends with making a phonecall to Darth Vader!
You can talk about expanded universe stuff, like the books and the games or comics until you’re blue in the face, but Boba Fett in the original trilogy is BORING! He barely has any personality! His ONE JOB is to stand and look impressive, but he never actually DOES anything! You could replace him with any one of the bounty hunters Vader hired in The Empire Strikes Back and it would make absolutely no difference!
And THAT is why this theory exists! It’s trying to accomplish one thing and one thing only: to make Boba Fett relevant to the movies! Having him be instrumental in the murder of Owen and Beru would make him a character with deep personal significance to Luke Skywalker. That’s it! That’s the goal of this pitiful theory, and you cannot convince me otherwise! It’s a waste of effort, and not a very good effort at that.
And with that, I’m done with writing about this franchise for a long, long time. I may even have to take a little break, just to clear my brain of spaceships and astromechs and stormtroopers and desert planets and all the other stuff I’ve been focusing on for the last month and a half…
But first, let me just thank you, Dave.
Dave: For what?
For continually being walking proof that Qui-Gon Jinn was right. The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.
Devil in the Details 