WTFAW: Harry Potter (Pt. 2)

Ladies and gentlemen,

Seeing as nobody has tried stabbing me with a wand and I haven’t been bludgeoned to death with a quidditch-bat, I think it’s safe to, once again, take a look at the utter insanity that is fan theories about Harry Potter.

Dave: Right you are! I’ve got a collection of new theories, and these are so crazy, they might just be true!

Oh, sure! Because whenever someone uses those terms, the theories always make perfect sense, don’t they?

Well, no point delaying the inevitable. Without any further ado, let’s get on with the first theory.

Dave, whenever you’re ready, bring on the crazy.

Dave: Ok, let’s start off hot with the theory that Harry and Hermione are siblings!

Ok. Explain this to me.

Dave: Well, the idea is that Hermione is actually Harry’s sister, and she is aware of this. They were separated to protect Harry. Her muggle parents might not even exist or just be adoptive parents, which would explain why she is such a talented witch! Also, it was so easy for her to remove all memory of herself from her parents minds, which suggests they weren’t her real parents. Also, her know-it-all attitude might be out of sibling rivalry, and her caring for Harry is actually a sister caring for her brother.

I’m assuming that the part with Hermione looking nothing like Harry or James or Lily isn’t a problem in any way? You know, since among other things, Hermione has brown hair and James and Lily Potter had black and red hair, respectively?

Dave: Well, maybe they changed her appearance?

I see… The fact that they look nothing alike is not proof that the theory is false, but instead, you claim it actually reinforces the theory… I’m just going to ignore this, for the sake of mental stability.

Instead, answer me this. If Hermione is Harry’s sister, they have to be twins, seeing as they are the same age, right?

Dave: I suppose….

Which means Hermione must have been an infant at the same time Harry was, and must have been there when Voldemort attacked.

Dave: Uhm…

So if Hermione was also there, how come she wasn’t killed along with James and Lily? And perhaps the more pertinent question: Why doesn’t Dumbledore, McGonagall and Hagrid mention her ONCE during their discussion in the first chapter of the first book? You don’t think Hagrid, who broke out crying at the remembrance of Lily and James dying, would mention if there was another child there?!

Speaking of which, you say that it was “way too easy”  for Hermione to wipe the memory of her parents, which supports the theory. But remember that Gilderoy Lockhart managed to master that spell, and he was at best a mediocre wizard. You don’t think Hermione, an extremely talented witch, could use the spell much more elegantly and with greater precision?

And this great sacrifice, having to force your parents, the people who love you most in the world, to forget who you are. That’s something you want to invalidate and ignore, since “they weren’t her real parents“? Screw you!

(Also, fuck you for implying that love from adoptive parents is somehow worth less than love from biological parents.)

And of course, if they are siblings, that just ruins the idea behind her. She is a witch born to muggle parents, but that doesn’t stop her from being one of the best students in Harry’s class. She is the perfect counterargument to the pure-blood elitism displayed by members of the wizard world.

But no! It can’t be because she’s a genuinely good student and talented witch. A witch born from muggle parents couldn’t POSSIBLY be that good! No, She must be Harry’s sister, because that doesn’t in ANY WAY  ruin any message the books tried to convey. And her “Know-it-all” attitude and caring personality can’t be because she is a fucking individual. No, it’s much more sensible that those are traits defined by her relationship to Harry. You refuse to give her credit for any positive personality traits, instead giving all the credit to Harry!

Dave: But if they were brother and sister, it might explain why they didn’t end up together!

Ah, so THAT’S what this is all about! You’re just pissed that Hermione ended up with Ron, so you’re trying to turn Harry and Hermione into Luke and Leia.

Dave: Shut up! That’s not true! I haven’t got a problem with the ending of the seventh book! It’s not like ruined my completely original idea for a fan fiction!

Whatever. Let’s get the next theory.

Dave: Oh, right. Ok, get this. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were in love!

Right, that’s it! You’re not allowed to read slash fics anymore!

Dave: No, really! It makes sense!

I seriously doubt that, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt…

Dave: Sirius and Remus has several instances where they show deep affection for each other, like when Sirius says that “It used to be us, just me and Remus… and James”. Black also lived with Lupin for a while, and then Lupin lived with Sirius, they give joint gifts…

Is that all?

Dave: No! There are quotes like when Sirius and Molly Weasley are fighting.

Ron, Hermione, Fred, and George’s heads turned from Sirius to Mrs. Weasley as though following a tennis rally. Ginny was kneeling amid a pile of abandoned butterbeer corks, watching the conversation with her mouth slightly open. Lupin’s eyes were fixed on Sirius.

Dave: Or how about this longer quote?

Sirius was lounging in his chair at his ease, tilting it back on two legs. He was very good-looking; his dark hair fell into his eyes with a sort of casual elegance neither James’s nor Harry’s could ever have achieved, and a girl sitting behind him was eyeing him hopefully, though he didn’t seem to have noticed. And two seats along from this girl — Harry’s stomach gave another pleasurable squirm — was Remus Lupin.

Right… where to begin…

Let’s begin with the “Me and Remus” quote. Don’t you think it could be more that he said “Me and Remus…” and was suddenly hit with the grim remembrance of James, one of his very best friends, being dead? Wouldn’t that prompt a slight pause? The fact that out of his three best friends, only one remains?

Oh, by the way, while Sirius did lie low at Lupins for a short time between books 4 and 5, that was at Dumbledores request. During the fourth book, he traveled abroad to avoid the Ministry of Magic, until Harry’s scar began hurting. At that point, he moved to a cave outside Hogsmeade! He didn’t settle down proper until the Order of the Phoenix was restored, at which point he moved back to his old home at 12 Grimmauld place.

Now, it is true that Lupin did live at Grimmauld Place, but at the time, that was the headquarters of the Order. Lupin moved there from the TUMBLEDOWN, SEMIDERELICT COTTAGE HE LIVED IN BEFORE THAT, in order to be more available to the Order (which is why he, even while he lived there, rarely stayed at the house.)

As for the two quotes, the first one is a bit tricky to discern. However, considering the context of the situation, I think it’s safe to assume Lupin was staring at Sirius not out of love, but out of concern, in case Sirius flew off the handle. In the very same discussion, they mention that Sirius has been “known to act rashly”.

As for the second quote, let’s consider the context. They are sitting in a school hall, writing a test. That’s all! There is no mention of them looking at each other, talking to each other, throwing passionate kisses or passing secret notes to one another. All it says is that THEY ARE IN THE SAME ROOM!

TRULY, this is a love that rivals that between Wesley and Buttercup in “The Princess Bride”.

Of course, another good argument is that small, nagging issue of LUPIN MARRYING TONKS AND HAVING A KID WITH HER!

Dave: Aha! But that was AFTER Sirius died!

So you’re trying to say Tonks was just the rebound for Lupin? Wow, way to shit all over that love story. Also, speaking of Sirius’ death, do you remember that moment?

But as he reached the ground and sprinted toward the dais, Lupin grabbed Harry around the chest, holding him back. “There’s nothing you can do, Harry —” “Get him, save him, he’s only just gone through!”

“It’s too late, Harry —” “We can still reach him —” Harry struggled hard and viciously, but Lupin would not let go. . .
“There’s nothing you can do, Harry . . . nothing. . . . He’s gone.”

For someone who was supposed to be deeply in love with Sirius, Lupin took his death amazingly well. I would have assumed losing the love of your life would include more screaming and crying, and not quite as much calming someone else down, followed up by healing Neville’s bleeding nose, and THEN marrying someone else and having a kid.

Now, I admit I’m not an expert on writing romance. I’m just saying, it doesn’t really seem like their relationship is that of romantic love as much as it is friendship. Until you can provide some compelling evidence to the contrary, I suggest you leave shipping Remus/Sirius for your fan fictions.

Let’s move on.

Dave: Oh, this is a good one! Since Harry defeated Voldemort, he is now immortal!

Ok, go ahead. I’m assuming I will be left amazed and with my jaw dropped at the truth and cleverness of this…

Dave: Well, the prophecy states that “Either must kill the other, for neither can live while the other survives”, right?

Yes…

Dave: Well, it could also mean that they both must die at the hands of the other. By killing Voldemort, Harry has no means to achieve death. It’s made clear to us that death is the only way for Harry to meet his loved ones. But now, Harry made the ultimate sacrifice: his death. He cannot die, and must forever be “The Boy Who Lived”, forever apart from his friends and loved ones.

I see. Well- Oh wait! Do you hear that?

Dave: What? Hear what? I don’t hear anything.

Exactly. That thing you’re not hearing is me gasping in amazement! Please, ask me why.

Dave: Why…?

Because this theory is fucking stupid! Firstly that the only way he can meet his loved ones is by dying.

Which is true…. unless, of course, you count the FAMILY HE HAD BY THE END! Does his wife and children not count as loved ones? Are they somehow excempt from this?

Second, there’s the idea that he is immortal. You mean if he jumps off a cliff, he won’t die? He can’t die from starvation, illness, thirst, injury? If he shoots himself, will the bullet just bounce off? If he gets hit by a truck, will it just crumple like a tin can?

HOW THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO WORK!?

And of course, thirdly. The justification is the line “either must die at the hands of the other“, right?

Dave: Exactly!

Do you notice the key word there?

Dave: Uh…

Either.

Not both. EITHER!

There is a yawning gulf, a gaping chasm, a fucking UNIVERSE OF DIFFERENCE between “Either” and “Both”!

It doesn’t mean that the only way they can die is by being killed by the other. It doesn’t mean that if they kill the other, they themselves cannot then die. All it means is that one must kill the other, because one of them has to die by the others hand! That is literally what the sentence means! How the hell is this difficult to understand!?

Any more theories?

Dave: I have one more about the Prophecy.

Oh, for fucks sake….

Dave: Neville Longbottom was actually the chosen one all along!

I see. What are the arguments?

Dave: Well, the prophecy states that the chosen one will be “born to those who have thrice defied [Voldemort], born as the seventh month dies. The Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the dark lord knows not”

Right…?

Dave: Neville Longbottoms parents were both Aurors and members of the Order of the Phoenix. Neville himself was born on july the 30’th. And the power Neville knows that Voldemort doesn’t know could be herbology!

Is that all?

Dave: Pretty much.

Ok… Silly question. Why would everyone claim that Harry was the Chosen One if it was actually Neville?

Dave: To protect Neville!

So they would throw Harry, an innocent person, in Voldemorts way, just to protect Neville? Doesn’t that seem a bit… extremely fucking evil?

Dave: Well, the ends justify the means….

What end? The prophecy states that “The Chosen One” would destroy The Dark Lord. Is the idea then that they protected Neville so he could destroy Voldemort? Doesn’t the fact that Harry defeated Voldemort kind of ruin that whole theory?

Dave: Well, maybe Neville was supposed to, but he never got the chance to….

Then it’s a pretty shit prophecy, isn’t it? If Neville was “the one with the power to vanquish the dark lord”, how come he wasn’t the one to do it?

And as for the “power the dark lord knows not”.

It’s true that Neville is good with Herbology… I think it’s fair to say it’s the only thing he is genuinly good at…

But as far as I can tell, there is no evidence that Voldemort was bad at herbology in school. In fact, seeing as it’s part of the curriculum, and Voldemort was said to be “one of the most brilliant students ever to attend Hogwarts”, it’s very unlikely he’d be unfamiliar with the subject.

And what about the part with “The Dark Lord will mark him as his equal”?

How did Voldemort mark Neville?

Dave: Well, I’m not sure… then again, we’re not sure how Voldemort marked Harry either!

Well, that’s a good point… After all, there is nothing about Harry that points to Voldemort having marked him… Absolutely nothing.

I mean, it’s not like Voldemort attacked him as a child, and the attack left Harry with some sort of SCAR, which might also give him a telepathic link, the ability to look into Voldemort’s mind and giving him the ability to speak with snakes…

Oh wait, that’s right, THAT’S THE MOST PROMINENT THING ABOUT HIM, SINGLING HIM OUT TO EVERYONE WHO SEES HIM THAT HE IS “THE BOY WHO LIVED”!

Dave: Well, what about the “power”? What power does Harry have that Voldemort “knows not”?

What power? Are you seriously asking me what power Harry has?!

It is Love.

The ONE THING Voldemort doesn’t understand, even on a fundamental level. He is completely devoid of compassion, regret or empathy, which is arguably because he was conceived by a completely loveless union, by someone coercing their partner with a love potion.

Love.

The thing that protected Harry against Voldemorts curse the night Harrys parents died. The thing that protected him against Quirrel. The thing he used in his last confrontation to protect everyone else against Voldemort. One of the main overarching themes of the entire series.

THAT was Harrys power! LOVE!

But you know what the real kicker is? They actually address this in the books! Dumbledore flat out says that it COULD have been Neville.

“The odd thing is, Harry,” he said softly, “that it may not have meant you at all. Sibyll’s prophecy could have applied to two wizard boys, both born at the end of July that year, both of whom had parents in the Order of the Phoenix, both sets of parents having narrowly escaped Voldemort three times. One, of course, was you. The other was Neville Longbottom.”

“Then — it might not be me?” said Harry.

“I am afraid,” said Dumbledore slowly, looking as though every word cost him a great effort, “that there is no doubt that it is you.”

“But you said — Neville was born at the end of July too — and his mum and dad —”

“You are forgetting the next part of the prophecy, the final identifying feature of the boy who could vanquish Voldemort. . . . Voldemort himself would ‘mark him as his equal.’ And so he did, Harry. He chose you, not Neville. He gave you the scar that has proved both blessing and curse.”

There you have it! Neville COULD have been the Chosen One, but he isn’t! Voldemort CHOSE Harry! How does this theory even exists? It was proven wrong almost instantly!

And of course, in case my arguments won’t sway you (In which case, what the hell are you doing on this blog?)

J.K Rowling herself flat out said that Harry was always the chosen one.

But hey… what does she know?

That’s all I’ve got for today. I hope you enjoyed-

Dave: Wait!

What?

Dave: I have one more fan theory!

Oh, god, no….

Dave: The seven Harry Potter books are J.K Rowlings horcruxes!

… What…?

Dave: She put part of her soul into the books, and now they will live forever!

Right… Before I tackle this, can I ask you a question, Dave?

Dave: Sure. What is it?

Have you gone completely fucking insane?!

Dave: What? No, I-

You’re trying to suggest that J.K Rowling, the real life living author, created a Horcrux, a FICTIONAL MAGICAL ARTIFACT?

An artifact she herself described as “the most evil type of magic there is”, magic that forcibly tears your own soul apart? That’s what you’re trying to argue this series is?

And the fact that you need to kill people to create a Horcrux isn’t an issue either?

Dave: She did kill seven people! Dumbledore, Snape,  Fred,  Lupin, Tonks, Hedwig and Dobby!

And it’s not a problem that none of them died in the first, second, third, fourth or fifth books?

Dave: Uhm….

Not to mention that a Horcrux isn’t created to make the OBJECT live forever. Voldemort didn’t put his soul in a locket so the locket could live forever! He did it so HE HIMSELF WOULD LIVE FOREVER!

And doing so did have pretty noticable side effects, physically. Now, maybe it’s just me, but I must say J.K Rowling doesn’t exactly look like a snake/human hybrid to me.

All this is, is a pathetic attempt at making a cute little reference… with no idea or understanding of what the reference means.

With that, I’m done with Harry Potter for now. But don’t worry. If I know fandoms half as well as I think I do, I won’t exactly have difficulty finding more insane fan theories in the future.

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