WTFAW: Star Wars

It’s time to talk about one of the most popular franchises in cinematic history. We are tackling a fan theory about Star Wars.

Surprisingly, there aren’t that many fan theories on this subject, but I have no doubt that Dave will deliver something both substantial and insane, in equal meassure.

Dave: The theory I’ve got for you is that Jar-Jar Binks is a sith lord.

Yeah, very funny, Dave. Tell me the real theory now.

Dave: That is the real theory.

Oh dear god, this is going to suck. Ok, despite it going against all common sense and reason, I will ask you to explain the arguments.

Dave: Well, the expanded theory is that Jar-Jar was originally intended to be the big bad in the prequels, but when George Lucas saw the backlash at the first movie, he changed it for the sequels. But you can still see evidence for this. First off, Jar-Jar shows jedi-like abilities, namely the amazing jump he makes when diving, as well as having a suspicious gift for fighting, escaping a battle with a droid army completely unscathed.

Ah, I see. Anything you want to add, or should I start explaining why this theory is stupid?

So, the idea is that Jar-Jar is secretely a sith lord, and the evidence is that he makes something that looks like a force jump…

Dave: Exactly.

Right in front of a pair of Jedi?

Dave: uh…

If he is a sith, why the flying fuck would he do a force jump in front of a pair of jedi!? Palpatine kept hidden for a long time, mostly because he didn’t go around doing shit like using the force in public! Because if you’re trying to keep a low profile, that’s fucking idiotic!

The only way that could make sense is if it’s some kind of demented reverse psychology. He did it because only a force sensitive person can jump that high, and no sith would be stupid enough to do it in front of a pair of Jedi, which is exactly why he SHOULD do it, because they would think he couldn’t possibly be a force sensitive person because if he was he wouldn’t do it in front of them and oh dear god my head hurts now….

Anyway, doesn’t it seem more likely this is an ability common to gungans?

Dave: Maybe, but what about his part in the battle later on? He came out of that completely unharmed and destroyed several droids and tanks! Clearly that proves he’s secretely badass!

No, it proves that he has more luck than brains! One of the defining traits that we are given about him is that he’s clumsy. It’s the reason he was banished from his home and it’s something that carries over throughout the movie. The battle is meant as a reversal of that, where his clumsiness finally comes in useful, as a weapon against the droids!

And if the audience wasn’t so absolutely bored out of their skulls or pissed off, they might have found it funny.

Dave: Aha, but he was the one to suggest they grant Palpatine emergency powers! He created the emperor, and is solely responsible for the empire!

First off, I thought you said the idea was scrapped after the backlash of The Phantom Menace? The granting of emergency powers was in Attack of the Clones. Second, as I’ve said in an earlier article, that whole argument is a load of crap! Jar-Jar is not responsible for the Empire! He was acting as Padmé Amidalas representative, and he only urged the senate to grant the power to create a clone army after the idea was planted by Palpatine and his aide!

Padmé left an inexperienced buffoon in a position of power, and he ended up being manipulated by Palpatine to suggest the creation of a clone army! It’s not proof that Jar-Jar is a sith, it’s proof he’s easily manipulated and Padmé is a complete fucking moron to leave him in charge!

And finally, you say that Jar-Jar was originally intended to be the big bad in the prequels? Now, do you have any solid proof at all to support that, beyond conjecture? Nothing? No first draft or commentary?

Oh well, let’s go with it anyway. Because after all, it makes so much sense, now that you think about it. Clearly, the comic relief in the movie was the proper villain, because it’s not like there’s someone else who’s the main villain in the prequels. Someone who benefits from the events and clearly is manipulating things to help him.

That is, unless you count Palpatine, of course.

Remember him? The fucking EMPEROR?! Palpatine is the one aiding the trade federation in The Phantom Menace, in order to claim the title of supreme chancellor. He wasn’t a side character in that movie! He was still the main villain, and remained so throughout the prequels!

Dave: But if Jar-Jar was intended as the villain but it was changed, it would explain why Count Dooku was suddenly introduced out of nowhere! If Dooku was so important, why wasn’t he brought up in the Phantom Menace?

Well, why would he get involved in a conflict on Naboo? The only jedi we see who are involved are Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon!

The events Dooku are involved in concerns the separatist movement, which involves several major groups throughout the galaxy and an intergalactic war! He’s got better shit to do than to worry about what’s happening on Naboo!

This theory really doesn’t work.

Dave: But the actor who played Jar-Jar approved of the theory!

Of course he did! Jar-Jar Binks is one of the most hated characters in cinematic history! Did you expect him to go “No, Jar-Jar is not actually one of those mysterious, powerful people with red lightsabers that everyone is scared of”? It’s the character that’s stupid, not the actor!

Dave: Hmph… well, that’s great. You’ve just ruined a way to improve the character of Jar-Jar Binks.

Oh, I did, did I? In that case, would you care to answer me this:

If Jar-Jar was a sith, what exactly would that improve?

See, this is a theory that is missing something vital. A motive.

If Jar-Jar is a sith, is he working with Palpatine? That sounds pretty unlikely, since he’s clearly not Palpatines apprentice, and Palpatine is not the kind of guy who accepts potential rivals. Which would mean that he is opposed to Palpatine.

But if so… what is Jar-Jars goal?

Dave: What do you mean?

Suppose Jar-Jar really is a sith. If he’s a sith, what does he want? Does he want power? Because he doesn’t gain a whole lot of power over the course of the movie. He’s a general and then a diplomat. If he can control minds like Jedi, that could be accomplished without ever leaving his home city. So he must have left for some other reason. But this theory does not provide a good motive.

And after he becomes a politician, he doesn’t really advance further. If he’s manipulating events to serve his purposes… what are those purposes? Is he satisfied with his current position as a senator? Because if so, he’s a pretty terrible sith.

Just compare him with Palpatine. Palpatine manipulated people and events to gain power, and did so throughout the prequels. He didn’t use mind tricks or jump around with the force, because he didn’t need to! He stayed hidden, and because of this, ended up establishing the empire, with himself as its emperor.

And while Palpatine was orchestrating a plot to become supreme chancellor, Jar-Jar almost got his face kicked in by a professional pod-racer, got his hand stuck in a jet engine, and got zapped in the head by an energy beam that temporarily numbed his face, all for… absolutely no reason? Either he’s doing all of that by accident, which means he’s an idiot. Or he’s doing it on purpose for no good reason, which means that he’s an even bigger idiot! Either way, his character is not improved at all!

He’s the comic relief, the annoying, obnoxious cartoon parody that was created by Lucas in an attempt to pander to small children, with poop jokes and silly faces.

And you’d rather have THAT… instead of Christopher Lee with a lightsaber?!

I know you, Dave, and I refuse to believe you are that stupid.


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