Well, since I guess there’s no escaping it, we return with more christmas fan theories, as this years Fan-mas enters its second week.
The good news is that this means we’ll be more than half way done for another year.
The bad news is that we have to deal with this years inanity first. So tell me, what is the subject for today?
Dave: Well, I’ve actually got a bit of a treat for you! The theory this week is about Home Alone!
…Of course it is. Why ever not? I mean, it’s not like we’ve looked at theories about this movie three times before or anything… Go on, then. What is the theory this time?
Dave: The theory is that Kevin grows up to become John McClane from Die Hard!
…What?
Dave: The idea is that Kevin grows up to want to stop criminals and he fell out with his family and moved to New York-
OK, no. We’re not doing this theory. I will not waste my time, energy and mental health to explain just in how many different ways this theory is idiotic.
I’ll just point out that that SMALLEST issue with this whole idea is that, much like the issues with the Burton Theory or that one theory about Pinocchio we looked at, there’s a massive time issue. Die Hard is set in 1988, and Home Alone is set in 1990, meaning Kevin cannot be John McClane, unless he magically travelled back in time. I refuse to dignify this idea any further than that!
You’ll have to pick another theory. Preferebly one that cannot be disproven with a single sentence.
Dave: Uhm… OK, there’s another theory which suggests that Kevins dad is a crime boss!
OK, that’s a bit better. Explain.
Dave: We never find out in the movie what Peter McCallister does for a living, but think of the sheer size of the house he lives in. He clearly has a lot of money to not only be able to afford a house like that, but also being able to afford taking not only his own rather large family, but also his brother, sister-in-law and six nephews and nieces for a vacation to Paris.
I see. Is that all?
Dave: No! You see, there are several other clues that point to this. First of all, there’s his reaction to seeing what appears to be a police officer (In reality Harry in disguise). Peter’s first reaction at the sight of a police officer is defensive, asking if he’s under arrest.
Right…
Dave: Harry makes it a point to single out the McCallister house. Perhaps he’s done work for the McCallister crime family, so he knows that there may be money in the house. Then there’s the general behavior of the rest of the family!
What do you mean?
Dave: You have Uncle Franks behavior, especially towards Kevin, yelling at him over spilling some milk. He later compares Kevin being left behind to losing a pair of reading glasses.
Wait, how is that supposed to prove anything?
Dave: I’m not finished! Peters son Buzz also seems a bit unhinged, with how he doesn’t seem to care about Kevin’s well-being and also his obsession with Old Man Marley, the rumored murderer.
OK… firstly, Buzz’s indifference to Kevin being left behind is because, as he explains, they live on ”the most boring street in the United States of America”. It’s not a matter of a callous ”I don’t care whether he lives or dies”, but rather that he doesn’t believe Kevin is in any danger at all.
(It should be noted that his indifference is very much NOT shared by his siblings OR his parents, since his views are made pretty clear while talking to his sister who IS worried about Kevin.)
But secondly, how does this is ANY WAY prove that Peter is a crime boss? It proves Buzz and Uncle Frank are jerks, but that’s it!
In fact, given the way Peter is concerned about Kevin, it’s pretty clear this isn’t Buzz picking up behavior by observing his dad.
And actually, Peter’s concern about Kevin is really a very compelling piece of evidence AGAINST this theory.
Dave: What? How so?
Most of what Peter does following the discovery that Kevin was left alone at home is to call around to find a neighbour or get in touch with the police to check on him.
But this theory argues that he’s a crime boss. You know, the head of a mafia family. In other words, shouldn’t he have people working for him that he could call? Shouldn’t he just be able to pick up a phone and call any of a number of underbosses or captains and go ”Hey, underling-that-is-literally-at-my-beck-and-call, it’s me, your boss. I’ve a job for you. Run over to my house and pick up my son, and stick him on a plane to Paris”.
At the very least, he could send someone to drop by with some groceries or something, so Kevin wouldn’t have to go shopping on his own!
And yet, there’s NOTHING. Is the idea just that the entire McCallister crime family decided to close down operations over Christmas? Because I may not be an expert on how organized crime works, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t fucking work like that!
Then let’s consider the Wet Bandits. You say that they singled out the McCallister home, since Harry may have done work for Peter in the past… but if you apply even a modicum of common sense, that argument completely falls apart! Why the actual hell would they do something that phenomenally stupid?
Dave: Well, they’re not exactly the brightest, are they?
You say that, but I don’t buy that. I agree that Marv is an idiot. After all, he’s the one who deliberately floods the houses they burgle as a calling card. But Harry is clearly the brains of the operation. He disguises himself as a police officer, in order to get an idea of what he’s going up against in terms of alarms. There is some planning involved here.
But you’re saying he’s done business with the McCallisters… so shouldn’t he know what a terrible idea this is? Rather than making the McCallister house his main target, it should be the last house he’d ever want to burgle!
In fact, if he’s done work for this family, wouldn’t he be worried someone might recognize him? He’s clearly surprised by the lack of adults when he first arrives, which means that by your logic, the possibility was always in his mind.
And this isn’t the kind of thing you can just shrug off if you get caught.
But actually, you mentioned how Peter’s behavior towards the apparent policeman was suspicious, because he went on the defensive immediatly?
Dave: Yeah?
But this has two problems. The first problem is that Peter DOESN’T immediatly become defensive. In fact, he politely shakes Harry’s hand, and when Harry asks if he’s Mr. McCallister, he confirms it. It’s only when Harry, ostensibly a police officer, tells Peter ”I’d like a word with you, Sir”, that Peter asks ”Am I under arrest or something”, followed by a smile.
To me, this doesn’t exactly sound like him being overly defensive. Hell, he then offers Harry a glass of egg nog!
The second problem is… Think about the idea of Peter McCallister, the supposed godfather of the McCallister Crime Family. Do you seriously believe, for a second, that he would be at all worried over a single uniformed officer coming to his home? You think that the head of an organized crime syndicate would sweat a uniformed officer?
You don’t think, if the police were going to take down a crime boss, they’d send more than just one guy? That maybe they’d send a pair of detectives? I remind you, this is Chicago!
Tell me, does the name Al Capone mean anything to you? You don’t think a Chicago crime boss would be somewhat aware of how the police operates? In fact, you don’t think he’d make sure uniformed officers couldn’t just show up at his home uninvited?
Not only is this not something he would get defensive over, but it’d probably be a pretty big red flag for him that something’s fishy!
But to me, the clincher for this theory goes back to the Wet Bandits, Harry and Marv. Specifically, their role in the sequel
Dave: What do you mean?
Well, I suppose it’s rather fitting, but it’s a similar problem to one I pointed out the last time we talked about this movie, though that time it was about Uncle Frank. You see, the wet bandits are also in the sequel.
Dave: Yeah. So what?
So, actually think about that for a second. These two burglars, who tried to break into the McCallister home, reappear in the sequel.
Dave: Yes, they do. What’s your point?
My point is, how the hell are they still alive?! You think you could just break into the home of a crime boss, get caught… and fucking live to tell about it?
I hate to tell you this, but… Well, let’s just consider some crime bosses from fiction, shall we?
Vito and Michael Corleone, Tony ”Scarface” Montana, Bill ”the Butcher” Cutting, Keyser Söze, Lao Che, Tony Soprano…
Call me a bit naïve, but somehow I don’t think you become the head of a crime family by being a soft touch! Now imagine said crime boss finds out that someone tried to burgle his house and threatened his youngest son.
For this theory to work, Harry and Marv would have been stabbed to death on their first day in prison! Hell, it’s doubtful they’d ever set foot in a courtroom. At the very least, Peter would have pulled some strings and ensured they’d spend the rest of their lives behind bars!
It’s not just a matter of revenge! This isn’t an issue Peter can afford to ignore, if he wants to maintain respect and control! They broke into his home! An example needs to be made here, to make it clear ”This will not fucking stand!”
And yet, in the sequel, they’re out and about, roaming New York! Even if we ignore everything else speaking against this theory, this fact alone sinks the whole idea for me!
Dave: Well… maybe they managed to escape somehow, and left Chicago out of fear of Peter?
Right. Ignoring the fact that I don’t see either of them managing to escape the police, relocating to New York isn’t really a great plan of escape. After all, it’s not like crime families have any jurisdiction to prevent them from crossing state lines.
There’s nothing to stop Peter from hiring a hitman to seek them out. Or in theory, if he doesn’t want to step into another family’s territory, he could contact one of the crime syndicates in New York (And as we’ve established before, there are many) and say ”Hey, let’s make a deal. I want these two guys rubbed out”. Next thing Harry and Marv knows, they’re standing on a pier, ankle deep in cement, and the last thing they hear before they’re thrown into the Hudson is ”Peter McCallister sends his regards”.
And even if we ignore these two possibilities… if Harry and Marv left Chicago out of fear, then why the everloving holiday hell would they ever decide to go after Kevin again!? If this theory was true, they would have turned around and run in the opposite direction the moment they saw him, since they’d naturally assume ”If that kid is here, his dad is probably here as well and he’ll skin us alive if he sees us”!
And just to make one thing clear about this theory. It’s all just to explain why Peter has such a big house!
Is the idea of a mortgage just that unthinkable to you?
In fact, here’s a fun little fact for you!
Kevin is around eight or nine years old in Home Alone. That means he, as the youngest child, was born somewhere around 1981-82.
Dave: Right…
You know what happened in the US in the early 80’s? The housing market crashed!
Dave: Oh…
Now, it is true we never find out in the movie what Peter McCallister does for a living. But according to the novelization of the movie, he’s working in business, while his wife is a fashion designer.
So you have two people with well paid jobs, and a housing market crash making real estate phenomenally affordable… and you decide that Peter McCallister being a mob boss is the ONLY LOGICAL EXPLANATION for why they have a big house?
Dave: Well… using the novelization is a bit unfair...
Maybe, but you still have to admit it is a pretty big leap to make, to dismiss all other possible jobs he could have, like lawyer or banker or business owner or company CEO or anything like that, in favor of ”crime boss”.
Dave: Ah, but he must still be rich, since he could afford to send his whole family on vacation!
Yeah… about that.
That argument is actually based on a mistake. You see… Peter didn’t pay for the vacation.
Dave: Wait, what?
It’s right at the start of the movie, when Kate takes Kevin upstairs. Harry asks if they’re having a reuinion, and Kate explains.
My husbands brother transferred to Paris last summer […] And I guess he missed the whole family. He’s giving us all this trip to Paris for the holiday, so we can be together.
In other words, Peter didn’t pay for the vacation. His brother Rob did.
Dave: Oh…
So you see, this theory doesn’t work. And with that, I think we’ve finished the second week of Fan-Mas for this year.
And I really have to congratulate you, Dave. Not only did you have us revisit a movie we’ve looked at thrice already, but you’ve done so with a theory that makes massive leaps in logic, doesn’t stand up to scrutiny and was created in part to answer a question that doesn’t exist in the first place.
That is so hillariously stupid, it’s almost made this whole Fan-mas thing worth it.
Dave: Really?
No, not really.
Devil in the Details 