Star Wars

I have a very ”middle-of-the-road” approach to most fandoms. You use Console X instead of Console Y? Good for you. I hope you have many years of happy gameplay. You prefer ”Wrath of Khan” to ”The Empire Strikes Back”? Feel free. They’re both good movies. My point is, I generally don’t get deeply invested in fandoms.

Because of that, I never really hated the Star Wars Prequels.

The first one was meh, with the biggest problem, I thought, being that it didn’t feel like I was watching a Star Wars movie. It was just very boring.

The second was ok, and it’s perfect if you like poking fun at movies with friends.

And I do.

As for the third movie, I actually really liked it. Some people have argued that it’s simply because it’s less awful than the previous two, but I genuinely like that movie.

Then a while back, I heard someone discuss the prequels and they came with two arguments that I didn’t agree with.

First, that everything that goes wrong in the original trilogy is Jar-Jar Binks’ fault,
and second, that Vaders big ”NOOOO” at the end of the third movie is a giant pussy moment.

I just don’t agree with those two things. Does this automatically mean that EVERY argument about the prequels is invalid? No, it doesn’t. Just that THESE TWO arguments aren’t accurate. And if you’re going to say something is bad, it’s better to point out things that are accurate, especially when there’s more than enough of them to go around.

So why do I disagree with these two points? Well, let’s start with Jar-Jar.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that he is an annoying character. I agree with you that he is an idiot. But he is not the one responsible for the rise of the empire.

The argument is: Jar-Jar Binks is the one who suggested to the intergalactic senate to bestow emergency powers to the Supreme Chancellor, allowing him to amass the clone army, leading him to wiping out the Jedi and paving the way for the Intergalactic Empire. It’s all Jar-Jar Binks’ fault, right?

Wrong!

True, Binks was the one who made the suggestion. But why was Binks in that position to begin with?

Because Senator Padme Amidala elected him as her representative when she went into hiding.

I repeat.

Senator Padme Amidala elected JAR-JAR BINKS as her senatorial representative.
Need I remind you that this is the same guy who got his head stuck in the energy stream of a podracer and was exiled by his own people for being a screw up?

DOES THAT SOUND LIKE SOMEONE YOU WANT TO RUN SHIT WHILE YOU’RE GONE?

But hey, she had to put someone in her place while she was in hiding, right? It’s not like people can take part in meetings over long distances via some sort of holographic projection OH WAIT, THAT’S RIGHT, THEY DO THAT ALL THE FUCKING TIME!

And don’t give me any bullshit explanation of ”they couldn’t risk it”. You’re telling me that in a society featuring artificial intelligence, interstellar travel and lightsabers, the idea of calling from a secure line is impossible?!

You can’t even say that appearing as a hologram would just fuel the opposition, and diminish her position. Instead of appearing as a hologram, she WENT INTO HIDING! At least with the hologram, she can still appear in the senate.

But let’s say that she couldn’t appear as a hologram, that the signal could be traced.

How about sending a message, detailing how she wanted Binks to act as her representative? Send instructions over a secure line?

But hey, maybe that could be traced too. Signals can be traced, after all. And then assasssins would know she was hiding on Naboo…. you know, HER FUCKING HOME PLANET!? Not only that, but she’s hiding IN HER FAMILY HOUSE!

Genius! They’ll never think of looking for the person they’re trying to kill where she lives!

But even IF sending a message was not an option, if she really couldn’t risk ANYONE knowing or even suspecting where she went….

SHE DIDN’T LEAVE ANY INSTRUCTIONS TO JAR-JAR BINKS BEFORE SHE LEFT!

She leaves the notorious screw up with no instructions, no briefing, no passing remark of ”I’m going into hiding. Don’t let them amass an army while I’m away”. She went away to her summer mansion to eat pears, ride CGI-animals and listen to Anakin Skywalker trying to make a dislike of sand sound romantic, assuming that Jar-Jar would be fine on his own, without any assistance what so ever.

And then she has the fucking NERVE to lament that ”This is how democracy dies… with thunderous applause”!?

WELL, WHO’S FUCKING FAULT IS THAT?!

You can blame Jar-Jar for a lot of things. But destroying democracy and ushering in the galactic empire? That’s Padmes fault.

Next up is Darth Vaders big ”NOOOO”.

The argument is that he’s in the suit now. He’s not Anakin Skywalker. He is Darth Vader. And what is the first thing Darth Vader does?

”Waah, waah, where is my girlfriend? She’s dead? Nuuuuuuu!”

It’s been parodied time and time again, because it’s considered an over the top pussy moment, and it ruins the badassery of Darth Vader.

But here’s the thing….

When did Anakin Skywalker die?

It’s not when Palpatine gives him the title of “Darth Vader“. It’s not when he kills the children. It’s not when he chokes Padme, and it’s not with the first hissing breath of the suit.

Let’s ignore the clumsy character arc. In the context of the story, everything Anakin has done up to that point of the movie, the killing, the destruction, the betrayals, EVERYTHING has been done to save his wife. Not his friend. Not his girlfriend. His WIFE. His PREGNANT WIFE.

He suffers torturous, reconstructive surgery, is denied sedation or anesthesia throughout, but he suffers through it. Bordering on insane from pain, anger and sorrow over his perceived betrayal by Obi-Wan, he suffers through it.

Then the pain stops. He comes to his senses, stuck in a heavy, cumbersome, constrictive suit of armor he can never leave. Ever.

But faced with this, what is the first thing he wants to know?

”Where is Padme? Is she safe? Is she all right?”

Then he’s told that she is dead. And with her, his unborn child.

And worst of all, HE is the one who killed her.

Suddenly he’s hit with the realization that everything he has done, everything he has sacrificed, was for nothing. He has lost EVERYTHING that was important to him. The very thing he tried to avoid happened. And it’s his own fault.

Keep that in mind next time you see the scene of him stumbling off that platform, crushing robots and walls, and letting out a big ”NOOOOO!”

Some Star Wars fans say this the moment Darth Vader died to them.

To me, this is the moment Darth Vader was born.