WTFAW: Home Alone

I think Bing Crosby said it best. “It’s beginning to look a lot like christmas“.

Dave: So let’s enter the festive season with a fan theory about the christmas classic Home Alone.

Yes, because appearantly, coal was too good for me this year… So, what is the theory this time?

Dave: The theory is that Kevin McAllister grows up to become Jigsaw!

Alright, kind of interesting. What do you base that on?

Dave: They’re both blonde and blue eyed.

Ok, you are going to bring me some better arguments than that right now, Dave, or I’m going to nail you to the fucking ceiling.

Dave: Oh, I’ve got more. Kevin is also shown to be manipulative, eager to terrorize people, good at constructing traps, obsessed with social outcasts and murderers and taking a huge amount of glee in forcing evildoers through painful obstacles. All this smells a bit fishy, and it could be that he’s a nascent sociopath.

Alright, so let’s break this down. Why does he turn evil, exactly?

Dave: Well, he was left behind by his family on christmas, not once but TWICE. Perhaps this made him think that humanity was corrupt and evil, when not even his own parents cared about him.

Except… both times he was left alone by accident. The first time, it was due to a power outage leading them all to oversleep, and in the confusion, they mistook a neighbour kid for Kevin. The second time, Kevin boarded the WRONG FUCKING PLANE and ended up in New York.

Dave: Ah, but they also treated him unfairly! In the first movie, they didn’t save any pizza for him and in the second, they all blamed Kevin for something his brother did.

Yeah, that’s hardly a “All of humanity is corrupt, I must punish humanity” situation. It’s not great, but it takes a lot more than that to turn someone into some murderous avenger.

And while it’s true that he’s able to trick people, like the hotel staff, being charming and convincing doesn’t automatically mean “Sociopath”. It’s less that he’s a mythomaniac and more that, being a kid, people don’t expect him to be as clever as he is.

He even highlights it in the second movie, when he places the reservation.

Ma’am, My feet are hardly touching the ground. I’m barely able to look over the counter. How can I make a reservation for a hotel room? Think about it. A kid coming into a hotel, making a reservation? I don’t think so.

And if we compare that to how Jigsaw operates, he’s not really keen on outright lying. He’s more into irony and withholding information. I get the feeling he’d consider lying as unworthy of him.

Now, you say that he’s good at constructing traps?

Dave: Yeah!

Exactly what traps are you thinking of, when you say that? The paint cans on a string? Plastic wrap with glue, and feathers to the face? Toy cars on the floor?!

Jigsaw’s traps included a beartrap on a timer, attached to a persons head and a collar rigged with shotgun shells, connected to a heart sensor!

It’s a bit of a different fucking league, isn’t it?

Dave: Ah, but that was when he was older! He just got better at it.

Maybe, but there are other, very important details about the traps, but I’ll get back to that.

You also said that he’s obsessed with social outcasts.

Dave: He becomes fascinated with Old Man Marley, after he’s told the old man murdered his family. In the second movie, he also becomes obsessed with the old pigeon lady.

Firstly, he wasn’t “fascinated” by Old Man Marley. He was TERRIFIED of him. And in both cases, he found out that while they SEEMED frightening, they were harmless and kind people. That story about Marley being a serial killer? That was just idiotic rumors!

And in Marleys case, Kevin helped him reunite with his estranged son! He helped another human being, by having a simple conversation, not through some horrible test.

And this brings me back to Jigsaws traps! They are TESTS!

Jigsaws traps always had a deeper meaning, a dark irony meant to teach the victim an important lesson about themselves and the way they lived.

Kevins traps are made as annoying deterrents, not some deranged punishment.

Dave: Well, they ARE technically being punished for their actions, by going inside the house and tripping the booby traps.

That’s not what I mean, and you know it, Dave.

And also, Kevins traps all hinged on the victims not expecting them. They are all booby traps. Jigsaws traps were made so that the victims COULDN’T avoid them, forcing them to “play the game”.

This points to a completely different methodology and approach.

And this leaves out the more obvious flaws with the theory!

Dave: Such as?

At what point did Kevin change his name to John?

Dave: What?

The real name of the Jigsaw Killer is John Kramer. So according to this, Kevin changed his name at some point, for no good reason.

Dave: Isn’t it obvious? It’s an alias!

But why would he need an alias?! You’re suggesting he invented an entire new life and personality, for no reason what so ever! Because we KNOW he started his crusade AFTER he changed his name.

Which brings us to another important point. We know why John Kramer became Jigsaw! His wife worked in a clinic for drug addicts and, while pregnant with their child, was hit in the stomach by a patient, causing a miscarriage. This led to John falling into a deep depression, not helped by discovering he had cancer. When his attempts to get money for treatment were unsuccessful, coupled with his wife leaving him, he attempted suicide, but survived. This caused him to have an epiphany about life and how he, only at the moment of apparent death, started to appreciate life.

He then set to work testing other peoples will to survive, targeting people who were “wasting their lives”.

THAT is what turned him into Jigsaw.

Not his brother EATING HIS FUCKING PIZZA!

And that is also ignoring that, not unlike in The Burton Theory, Kevin and John cannot be the same person.

Dave: Why?

Because Home Alone was set in 1990. John Kramer was given the news of his terminal illness in 2004.

So how the frosty fahrenheit fuck did Kevin Mcallister manage to age 40 YEARS between 1990 and 2004!?

Dave: Uhm…

The answer is, he didn’t, which renders this theory utterly and completely broken.

Dave: Yeah, I guess you’re right. But I’m not too upset. After all, this is only the FIRST day.

What are you talking about?

Dave: I’m talking about

The Twelve Days of Fan-Mas!

Wait, the what of the what now?

Dave: From now, until Christmas, I will give you TWELVE christmas themed fan theories!

Like hell you are!

Dave: What? Why not?

Do you really think, for a moment, that I’m going to let you ruin my christmas, by making me suffer through TWELVE instances of pure idiocy, when I can barely tolerate ONE per month at the best of times!?

Dave: Well, I…

No fucking way! I would rather eat broken glass with a lemon juice chaser!

So no, we are NOT doing Twelve Days of Fan-Mas!

Dave: But… I was looking forward to it. I mean, it’s the christmas season and all… I thought we could do something special for the holiday seasons?

No!

Dave: Come on! What about… one theory per week, until christmas? That’d at least be something.

So… the Three Weeks of Fan-Mas? Not exactly catchy, is it?

Dave: Please? And hey, that means there’s just two more theories to go!

Well, joy to the fucking world… Alright, let’s do this then.

Dave: Hooray! You won’t regret this!

Yes, Dave. Yes, I really will….

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2 thoughts on “WTFAW: Home Alone

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