Dave: It’s time for a fan theory again.
Of course it is. What is it this time?
Dave: OK, so you mentioned the movie Pan in the previous article…
Oh dear god, don’t tell me you’ve got a fan theory about that fucking movie!
Dave: No. But it reminded me about a fan theory about Peter Pan, which is today’s subject.
I know that is supposed make me feel relieved, but instead it just makes me worried… Alright, go ahead.
Dave: The theory is that Peter Pan is the angel of death.
Dave: He’s an angel, guiding the souls of dead children to Neverland, AKA Heaven. That’s why they never grow old. They’re all dead!
I’m going to save the obvious question for later. In the meantime, explain your reasoning.
Dave: It’s really straightforward. I’ll just quote directly from the book by J.M Barrie.
There were odd stories about [Peter], as that when children died he went part of the way with them, so that they should not be frightened.
Dave: There’s not a whole lot of wiggle room. It’s right there, clear as day.
Is that it? You have one line, taken out of context, as your support?
That quote is from the first chapter in the book, where Mrs. Darling hears about Peter, and remembers the stories she heard about him when she was young.
But the problem is, that these are stories, and are not necessarily true.
If Peter guides and cares for dead children, shouldn’t there be more Lost Boys? I don’t want to sound morbid, but the book was written at the beginning of the 20’th century. Kids dying before they grow up was a LOT more common back then than it is today.
In other words, Neverland should be packed with kids, both boys and girls! Instead, we are told that the Lost Boys, as their names suggests, are orphans who got lost by falling out of their prams, and the reason that there are no lost girls is that girls are “much too clever ” to get lost like that.
Dave: Ok, but that is said by Peter, and he isn’t exactly the most reliable source. He could be making it up on the fly.
True, that’s possible. But you also said that this theory explains why the Lost Boys never grow old. The problem is, that they DO grow old. They mention that in the book you just quoted!
Also, let’s look at it this way. Consider the idea of an angel of Death, that guides the souls of dead children to the great hereafter. Now tell me, do you know what that job requires?
Dave: A scythe…?
A sense of responsibility and duty.
You know, those things Peter doesn’t have and actively rejects.
Seriously, what kind of batshit insane higher power looks at Peter and gives him any kind of responsibility over something as amazingly important as the transfer of souls!?
And what about Captain Hook, the pirates and the indians? Where do they fit into the theory? Are they also souls of dead people? We know that at the very least, Hook went to college at Eton, so we can assume he’s not just a spectral construct. So what the hell is he doing in Neverland?
And finally, that leads me to the obvious question I hinted at earlier. Let’s suppose, for the sake of argument, that this theory is true. That Peter Pan is the angel of death, ferrying the souls of dead children. It is reasonable to assume that the Lost Boys are therefore dead, right?
Then would you care to explain to me how, if they are dead, they somehow join Wendy, John and Michael in returning to London, to be adopted by Mr. and Mrs. Darling?
I mean, if it were just the Darling children coming back, you could perhaps handwave it as them having a near-death experience or something. It’d be bullshit, but it would be somewhat harder to disprove. Here, six children randomly returned to life and materialized in a home in London.
Do you have ANY explanation for how the fairydust fuck that is possible!?
Dave: …No, I don’t.
I thought so.
This really is in a very special category of theory. Theories that are not only stupid, but also incredibly weak. One quote, taken out of context, and that’s it?
Don’t bring me theories like this, Dave. They’re so easy to disprove, you just make me feel like I’m bullying you.
Dave: Well, there’s one thing you could do to make me feel better…
Dave: You could give this theory a pass.
Go fuck a garbage disposal, Dave.