WTFAW: WALL-E

Yet another halloween has passed, and with all the ghosts and monsters, the demons and devils common for the season, it’s only fitting I’d make my contribution with some real terror.

In other words: a stupid fan theory. Take it away, Dave.

Dave: The theory is that WALL-E is a murderous psychopath who doomed the world.

I see… and what do you base that on, exactly?

Dave: Ok, so WALL-E is one of several compactor robots designed to take trash and crush it up into cubes, as part of the cleanup operation of earth, while humanity cruises the stars.

Yeah?

Dave: Well, how come after 700 years, the world is still covered in trash? What happened to all the other WALL-E units? The answer is that WALL-E killed them all!

What? Why would he do that?!

Dave: Because he is obsessed with mementos and interesting trinkets, that the other robots would crush up into cubes. He killed the others to protect those treasures in a 700 year long murder spree.

I see. Is that all?

Dave: No, there’s also the fact that he has no sympathy for the other units, to the point where he remorselessly rips parts from their corpses to prolong his own life, and store spare parts in his trailer. All this should prove the robot is completely psychopathic!

All very interesting. Now, let me explain why it doesn’t work.

First off, you say that WALL-E cannibalised the corpses of the other robots. The thing is, is that cannibalism or is it taking spare parts? Think about it. What use does a rusted, broken old heap of junk have for visual receptors or motherboards? They are non-functioning! It’s no different to taking a functioning organ from a dead body to replace a failing organ in a living body.

Dave: Ah, but why doesn’t he try to repair them instead?

What makes you think he hasn’t tried? Does it occur to you that they are too badly broken for him to fix? Remember, he never does any in-depth repair jobs in the movie. He just exchanges broken parts for functioning parts. So maybe he simply doesn’t have the skill required? Or he succeeded, and they just returned to the same routine as they had before, after which they ended up breaking down again! WALL-E is defined, at the beginning of the movie, as being incredibly lonely. Don’t you think he, in 700 years, would have tried to make a friend at some point?

Really, at no point does WALL-E actually show any murderous or sadistic tendencies! On the contrary, he’s almost defined as caring and compassionate, not only towards EVE, but to anyone he meets who is in trouble, and even the cockroach he keeps as company.

A psychopath is defined as, among other things, lacking compassion or understanding of empathy. WALL-E is the polar opposite of that!

Dave: But why did the other robots stop working, then?

Because Operation Cleanup was fucking idiotic! The idea was to send humans into space and remove all the garbage in the meantime. Then it was discovered the workload was too much, and the operation was deemed a failure soon after it was put into effect, and the WALL-E units were all switched off.

All except one. This one continued and eventually developed sentience. It’s reasonable to assume this was a glitch, similar to SEVERAL OTHER ROBOTS IN THE MOVIE! That glitch was the fucking spark of life! A one in a million fluke gave the robot sentience.

Dave: Oh, come on! Doesn’t that seem far fetched?

Ok, yeah, you’re right. I mean, what other famous disney movie features an inanimate object coming to life and developing sentience? It’s not like such a movie would have some legacy, like it’s theme song becoming the theme of Disney itself- OH WAIT THAT’S RIGHT, FUCKING PINOCCHIO!

Dave: Oh…

And that leads me to the final nail in to coffin, and why, if you had any brains at all, you should be terrified, Dave.

Dave: What’s that?

See, you know I love Disney, and that bringing me a disney fan theory is therefore a bad idea at the best of times.

Dave: Yeah…?

And you know that I admire Walt Disney himself, which means that insulting Walt Disney to my face is an incredibly stupid thing to do, right?

Dave: Where are you going with this…?

Well, you’ve brought me a fan theory stating that WALL-E is a psychopath.

Dave: Yeah…?

Do you know what the name WALL-E is referencing?

Dave: Uhm…

It’s actually a nod to Walter Elias Disney.

Dave: Oh fuck…

Now, having just called a character named after Walt Disney a psychopath, what should you probably be doing now?

Dave: I… should get out of your face.

Bye, Dave.

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