WTFAW: The Little Mermaid

Ok, so last week, we talked about The Little Mermaid, so it’s only fitting we talk about some of the madness the movie has created in the minds of fans.

So, show me the fruit of your labours, Dave.

Dave: Well, todays theory is that Ariel and Hercules are related.

Ok, what are the arguments for the theory?

Dave: So, we know that Triton is Ariels father. The thing is, who is Tritons father? In greek mythology, Triton is the son of Poseidon, the god of the sea!

Right…?

Dave: Poseidon is also the brother of Zeus, who of course is the father of Hercules.

Don’t you mean Herakles, since “Hercules” is technically the roman name of the character?

Dave: Whatever! The point is that this means Hercules is Ariels first cousin once removed!

Right. It’s an interesting theory. Now, let me explain why it doesn’t work.

So Poseidon, the character from Hercules is Tritons father?

Dave: Right!

Then where, might I ask, is he in The Little Mermaid? Why is everything about actually RULING the oceans delegated to Triton, his supposed son? When Ursula gains the trident, Poseidon doesn’t go “Hm, this giant maelstrom might require my attention”? That’s not something that the GOD OF THE SEA might find a bit odd? When his son is turned into whatever the hell Ursula turned him into, Poseidon just shrugged!?

Dave: Maybe he didn’t want to get involved?

Oh, really? This is greek myth we’re talking about! “Getting involved” is pretty much what being a greek god is all about! They kill people, turn them into animals and generally fuck them up at the drop of a hat! Ursula turned the child of a GOD into a deformed little grub, and the greek pantheon just ignores that? Bullshit!

And then, if Poseidon exists in that movie, then logically so must the rest of the gods of Mt. Olympus, right? And yet, when Ariel goes missing, Triton sends out fish to search for her, instead of going to THE OTHER FUCKING GODS for help!?

All this is of course ignoring the fact that, in greek myth, Triton is the messenger of the sea, not the ruler of the merpeople, as he is in this movie. He doesn’t control the seas with a magical trident. Instead, Triton carries a conch shell, with which he can control the waves by blowing it like a trumpet. And while it’s true that his home varies depending on what source you use, the choices include Achaea, and off the coast of Libya.

NOT FUCKING DENMARK!

Dave: Well, Hercules doesn’t exactly follow greek mythology to the letter either.

Ah, so you’re basing this on greek mythology, except for the parts where it contradicts you? You’re an idiot.

Not to mention that the time difference would be completely insane. Think about it. Ariel is 16 years old in the movie, which seems to take place around the late 18’th century, judging from the type of ships and the fashion. That’s a pretty big age gap, considering Hercules lived in ANCIENT GREECE!

Sure, the gods are immortal, but you’d think Triton would have more daughters if he’s that old, which he’d have to be considering he would also have lived in ancient greece.

Dave: Hmm… Well, I guess this theory doesn’t work…

What a surprise.

Dave: ...except, of course, for one detail.

Oh god, what now?

Dave: Poseidon IS Tritons father! It is established as canon! You’re not the only one who can play a trump card!

Really? Well, I concede your point. Tritons father is Poseidon.

Dave: Ha! Vindication!

There’s one problem, though. And here’s how you REALLY play a trump card.

You are right that Triton’s father is named Poseidon. However, you are also ignoring that Triton’s GRANDFATHER is named NEPTUNE!

Dave: Wait, What?

The character appears in one episode of the TV series, and is shown as an old merman. Neptune is the ROMAN name for Poseidon.

Triton is the son of a merman NAMED Poseidon, but it’s not the actual greek god!

Dave: Hey, no fair! You’re not allowed to bring in the TV shows or sequels!

Why not? The TV Series was made in 1992, and ended THREE YEARS before the movie Hercules was released. They’d established the idea of Ariel’s relatives long before this theory ever existed!

And incidentally, in the Hercules animated series, guess who makes an appearance. The greek god Triton!

And guess what? He’s not a merman, doesn’t carry a trident and oh, I almost forgot: HE’S FUCKING GREEN!

So no, Hercules is not related to Ariel in any way, shape or form. The theory doesn’t work.

Dave: You’re saying it doesn’t hold water?

Shut the fuck up, Dave.

Back to Main Page

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s