Since I’m still reeling a bit from our last article, I figured we’d pick something slightly more lighthearted for todays subject.
And it just so happens that todays article concerns the Disney Pixar movie Brave. We won’t be covering plot elements, so no worries about spoilers, and I will instead simply say: Go watch this movie as soon as you can. It’s really good.
Somehow, I doubt I can say the same about the fan theory we’re discussing today, however…
With that out of the way, let’s see what idiocy we’re dealing with, theory-wise.
Dave: Ok, so you know the old wood carving Witch?
Dave: Well, here’s the theory. The Witch is actually Boo from Monsters Inc.
No, wait. Time out! You can’t just make up theories, Dave! It has to be a REAL theory, not just something you made up out of boredom.
Dave: But…It IS a real theory!
…Oh god, are you serious?! This is a real thing that someone actually believes?! That is really depressing…
Ok, let’s go over this. What are the arguments?
Dave: Right! In Monsters Inc., Boo learned how to use the doors from Sulley and Mike, and she started going through doors to find Sulley again. She ended up going through a door taking her to medieval Scotland, and there she picked up woodcarving, and eventually came across Merida.
Oh sweet mother of god…
Dave: So, what do you think?
I think I can actually hear my braincells committing suicide after reading that. Let’s go over the problems with this theory, before I slip into a coma.
Ok, so first of all… you say she “learned how to use the doors”. How did she “learn” that? When did she learn that?! What was there to learn? You cannot activate the doors from the outside! That is not how they work!
And even IF that was how they worked, she was a fucking toddler in that movie! How do you pick up complicated interdimensional travel when you’re still using diapers!?
But oh, she went through doors to find Sulley… Why would she need to do that? Her door was destroyed, but it was also later repaired, and she was reunited with Sulley again!
And you know, I COULD stop right there, but I won’t.
Next, Boo went through a door, taking her to medieval scotland…
Again, that is not how the doors work!
THE DOORS ARE NOT TIME MACHINES! You’re traveling between the monster world and the “real” world, not travelling through time, you moron!
Oh, and of course, when she DID arrive, she picked up woodcarving. And she didn’t keep going to find Sulley… why, exactly? Apparently, she has the unique ability to pass through those doors and control them at will, and yet she decided to stay in medieval Scotland?
Even if we go with the whole time travel thing (which is bullshit)… She has access to all of time and space, all of history, she can pick ANY time period…. and she picked fucking medieval Scotland to settle!?
Maybe this is just me, but if I was going to pick a time period to grow old, I’d be somewhat more picky. For example, RUNNING WATER AND INDOOR PLUMBING would be kind of high on my list of requirements!
And the Witch is strapped for cash, even though the first thing anyone with access to time travel and half a brain would do is MAKE SURE THEY’RE NOT POOR!
Does NONE of this seem a bit strange to you, Dave?
Dave: Well, when you put it like that, I suppose…
Oh, but I’m not done yet!
Dave: But I get it. You don’t have to-
Yes, I do! You brought this theory to me! You knew exactly what was going to happen! You interrupted last weeks article with a fan theory, so now we’re doing a fan theory!
Now, where was I…?
Oh, right! There’s another detail about the Witch that you’ve suspiciously left out of this.
Namely that Boo somehow became… you know… a Witch!
How did she become a Witch?! How do you just spontaneously develop magical powers?! Care to explain that, Dave?
No, of course not, because you can’t!
Dave: Well… she DOES control the door to her hut, making it enter into a different room… that is slightly like the doors in Monsters Inc...
Except that the doors in Monsters Inc. were technology, and the Witch very clearly is using MAGIC.
(and I swear to God, if you mention Clarkes Third Law I will stab you with a pen knife)
Also, small side note… the Witch used magic to change the destination of her front door.
Dave: Yeah, that’s what I just said.
Do you also see the key word?
And the doors in Monsters Inc. were invariably…?
Dave:… closet doors…
Now, Dave… I am curious. What is the basis for this theory? What POSSIBLE reasoning lies behind such weapons-grade stupidity?
Dave: Well, there’s this picture
Dave: …No, not really…
…That’s it? That’s all the evidence you have to back this up? No quote or heavy resemblance? Nothing else besides one tiny easter egg that lasts for what, a second?
Dave: Pretty much.
This theory, if I’m not mistaken, is part of the greater theory that all Pixar movies are connected.
Dave: That’s right.
In that case, I must almost congratulate you, Dave.
Dave: You do? Why?
Because with this, you have not only allowed me to disprove the Boo/Witch theory, but we have now effectively destroyed the Pixar Continuity theory! Because this movie sure as hell has no continuity connection to Monsters Inc!
You may consider my not beating you to death for bringing me such a stupid theory as my thanks.
Dave: You’re welcome…?
Of course, if you ever bring me something as lazy as this again, I’ll choke you with your own spleen.