Pan

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a public service announcement, regarding the 2015 movie Pan.

Message reads: Do not watch Pan! Fuck this movie!

Some of you might be curious as to the reason for this opinion. Well, let me tell you.

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the story of Peter Pan, the boy who never grows old? Personally, I really like the 2003 movie, with memorable elements like Jason Isaacs doing a spectacular job as Captain Hook. A very good adaptation of the famous children’s story.

But apparently, someone decided that this story needed a prequel, to establish how it all began.

This story shows us the origin of Peter Pan, how he was the son of a human girl and a fairy prince, and because of this lineage, he is destined to free the fairies of Neverland and vanquish the evil pirate Blackbeard and…

What’s that? You didn’t know that was Peters origin?

That’s right. We don’t know Peters origin, because it doesn’t MATTER! Something that will become obvious as we go on…

Peter, instead of being careless, boastful, selfish… you know, like the epitome of a boy seeing his entire life as an adventure, is motivated throughout the movie by his mother, first looking to find her, and later to live up to her memory. His ability to fly is completely unique to him, as he’s the child of a fairy and a human.

You know, as opposed to living among fairies and flying by thinking happy thoughts. After all, he is the only one we ever see or hear of that fly in the story, right…

Hook, in the story, used to be Blackbeards Boatswain, described as having long black hair and an obsessed hatred for Peter and the list boys. Here, he’s a blonde cowboy taken from somewhere unknown, trying to help Peter defeat the pirate Blackbeard and protect the fairies of Neverland, and flirting with Tiger Lily.

Tiger Lily, meanwhile, is no longer the native american child who got kidnapped by the pirates and left to drown at Marooner’s Rock, but rather a white young adult woman, fighting the pirates to protect the fairies, being trained to fight by Peters mother.

And Smee, as far as I can tell, dies near the end of the movie. We see him fall in a life boat, remove a wooden rod, which drops him and the boat into the abyss.

Oh, didn’t I mention? The pirate ships fly in this movie. And they travel through time.

And while in the Disney version, and the 2003 Universal version, the ship flew with the help of fairy dust, in this movie we never get an explanation as to why or how. It’s not fairy dust, because that’s all being smoked up by Blackbeard to maintain his youth. No, here they just fly, because Neverland. Of course, despite this, and memorizing famous songs, the pirates still use swords and flintlocks…

Anyway, Blackbeard wants to live forever, and needs the fairydust to do that. It’s a good thing they never established what fairy dust can do in the original story… oh, wait, they did… it’s what helps you fly.

But why bother with small details like fundamental aspects of the story? This is a “re-imagining”, so we can just make shit up! I’d go on, but listing all the stupid moments in the movie could probably fill a very angry book, so I won’t bother. Instead I’ll try to sum it up as best I can.

This is a completely pointless movie. There is no reason for it to exist. As a standalone story, it’s boring. As a Peter Pan story, it’s fucking idiotic, with Blackbeard at one point singing “Smells like Teen Spirit” and “Blietzkrieg Bop”.

Speaking of Blackbeard, I said it when I talked about Pirates of the Caribbean and I’ll say it here.

BLACKBEARD WAS A REAL PERSON! He was not fictional! He existed, and he really, actually died in 1718!

Stop sticking him in your stupid fucking movies! Especially when he just boils down to “Diet-Captain Hook”. Just compare him with Hook in the 2003 version, where the worst thing I can say about him is “He has brown hair rather than black“.

And as a prequel, it’s useless.

After all, what is the purpose of a prequel? To establish the characters and setting up the original story. What this movie should do, is set up Hook and Peters personalities, perhaps with Hooks arrival in Neverland, how the rivalry between them started, how he lost his hand fighting with Peter.

None of that happens in this movie. All we get is Hook and Peter being friends, meeting in a mining colony controlled by Blackbeard.

The movie ends with Blackbeard defeated and the fairies returned to Neverland, and Hook and Pan musing that surely, they will always be friends. What happened to the other thousands of miners, the other ships, the pirates? Never revealed. Story’s over.

The movie begins with a narrator telling us “To truly understand how things end, we must first know how they begin”.

Well, you fucking failed to explain how they began!

The one thing the prequel had to do was to establish the characters, and it just leaves it all to be resolved in the interrim between this and when the Darlings come to Neverland.

So what was the fucking point?!

Why are Hook and Pan friends in this movie?! To set up some tragedy and pathos regarding their rivalry in the original? Why would we need that!? We’re not supposed to feel sorry for Hook! He’s the guy who, throughout the story, is trying to achieve his goal to MURDER CHILDREN!

At no point, in the original, or any adaptation of the story, do they EVER show anything to suggest that there was some bitterness or deeper tragedy to their rivarly we weren’t aware of.

You know why? BECAUSE THERE ISN’T ONE! Hook is one of the few characters who can get away with being evil for evils sake! He is the archetypical villain, perfectly suited for a boy who views life as nothing but fun and adventure!

It’s almost like they deliberately set out, when writing, to get everything wrong with the movie!

And that, of course, brings us to the most important reason to hate this movie…

You see, that is exactly what they DID!

This adaptation, this “re-imagined prequel” is so different, with so many changes from the original… specifically so they wouldn’t have to pay royalties for it!

Fun fact: You know who owns the rights to Peter Pan?

When you make an adaptation of “Peter Pan”, you have to pay royalties to something called GOSH.

GOSH stands for “Great Ormond Street Hospital”.

They are a childrens hospital that has been open since 1852. It has been open for 163 years, surviving solely on charity.

In 1929, J.M Barrie made the hospital the recipient for Peter Pan. This, coupled with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, grants the hospital a perpetual right to collect royalties for public performances, commercial publication, or other communications to the public of the work.

The people making this movie, then, deliberately tried to make a movie based on Peter Pan, without the whole hassle of funding TREATMENT FOR SICK CHILDREN!

And while they decided to make a donation to the hospital before filming began, that was not out of kindness, but because if they didn’t, people would tear them to shreds, even more than the critics and audiences already have.

And even then, that doesn’t change that they STILL don’t pay GOSH the royalties they, if for no other reason than common fucking decency, should.

So for those reasons, and many others, I will reiterate my opening statement.

Fuck this movie, and fuck the people who made it!

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