WTFAW: Scooby-Doo

Today, we’re going to discuss a particular niche of fan theories. Drug Theories.

And we’ll start with one of the most popular. Dave?

Dave: Shaggy in Scooby-Doo is actually a stoner.

This particular theory has been around for some 30 years. I’d say the time is right to take a look at it and explain why it doesn’t add up.

So, what are the arguments?

Dave: Shaggy talks to his dog and he constantly has the munchies! He sees monsters and ghosts. He’s clearly hallucinating!

That’s it?

Dave: He’s also dressed like a hippie!

Oh, you mean brown pants and a green shirt? I guess we’re ignoring that hippies usually grow their hair and beard long, rather than short hair and a small soul patch…

Dave: Well, clothing aside, he still talks to his dog and eats a lot! Clearly he’s stoned off his ass!

Really? Is that your argument here? He’s a stoner, because he thinks his dog can talk and he eats a lot? How about we examine this for a bit?

Smoking cannabis can make you hungry, but it does NOT cause you to think dogs are talking to you. You are confusing Cannabis with LSD!

Oh, and you know what Shaggy is known for, beyond eating a lot? He’s a coward. He’s easily scared. For someone who’s supposed to be constantly high on a drug that has the prominent effect of MELLOWING YOU OUT, he’s very nervous and prone to panic, constantly being worried about the spooky places they go to. And also, for someone who’s apparently high as a kite, Shaggy is sure running around a lot and being PERFECTLY LUCID.

But the part with Shaggy talking to Scooby is a good point… or it would be, if not the same went for EVERYONE ELSE IN THE GROUP!

None of the members of the gang are at all surprised when Scooby does human things! He clearly understands english, and by this point, it is well established that they all understand him as well.

At worst, he has a speech impediment.

And if that’s not enough, what about Scrappy-Doo? Everyone understands him perfectly, and he’s just as much a dog as Scooby. The only difference is that Scrappy doesn’t speak broken english and walks on two legs.

Dave: But Scrappy was silly.

Irrelevant. He was still part of the fucking show! If they all understand him, why would they not then also understand Scooby?

And it is true that Shaggy sees monsters. But again, SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE!

Dave: Maybe they’re all on drugs? Maybe they’re all hallucinating, and think the criminals are actually ghosts?

Oh sure. I guess we’re ignoring that the whole premise of the show is that they SOLVE MYSTERIES! They find some asshole who’s trying to scare people away with old legends for their own ends. The gang collect clues, use abductive reasoning to figure out the motive and then capture the “monster”, UNMASKS them, and explain the entire plan.

Guess what! That is something that’s a BIT FUCKING HARD if you’re taking mind altering drugs!

Oh, and what is the most famous line from the show?

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!

That’s the villain-of-the-week ADMITTING THAT THE GANG IS RIGHT!

Are you suggesting that’s just an extension of the hallucination? Because if so, why stop there? Why not just assume that the entire show is just a lucid dream at that point?

Anything else?

Dave: Well, what about Scooby Snacks?

What? What about them?

Dave: What are they?

What do you mean? They’re dog treats.

Dave: Why do they give Shaggy dog treats?

They don’t! It’s an incentive offered to SCOOBY! Shaggy steals them on occasion, but that’s just a reversal on the joke of Scooby stealing Shaggy’s food!

Dave: But when they eat the scooby snacks, they go superfocused and they’re not scared at all!

WHAT FUCKING SHOW ARE YOU WATCHING!? They’re just as scared as earlier! All the scooby snacks do is motivate them to do something they don’t want to do!

Dave: But that could be a proxy for a drug!

Whoah, hang on a moment!  We are debating the possibility of Shaggy smoking marijuana. We established that he’s doesn’t. And now you’re trying to change the drug? Are you kidding me?! You can’t change the drug just because the original idea doesn’t work!

Also, you base this new assumption on… what? That Shaggy likes scooby snacks? William Hannah imagined the Scooby Snacks being a kind of peanut flavoured cookie. Is it so unthinkable that a human, especially someone who likes eating as much as Shaggy, would find that appealing?

Now, I am of course aware of the futility of arguing this fan theory.

Dave: Because you know it’s true?

No, because this theory has become so ingrained in popular culture that it has become widely accepted. People have decided that this theory is true, regardless of how little sense it makes. I’ve decided to name the phenomenon “Scoobification” after this particular theory.

It is what happens when stupid fan theories are left to fester in the minds of stupid people.

Dave: So why write about it then, if you yourself admit it is is widely accepted?

Because accepted or not, it’s still a stupid fan theory. The arguments don’t add up. That is why I’m writing about it. And if someone reads this and realizes that the theory doesn’t work, then that’s just a bonus, altough the odds for that aren’t great.

Dave: Well, duh! The whole premise is weird! 

Yes, because Hannah-Barbera cartoons were always completely sensible and rational, weren’t they? The Flintstones is basically a fucking historical documentary!

Dave: Actually, I have a theory about that too. Can we talk about it?

Only if I can rip your spine out and beat you to death with it.

Dave: Oh, would you look at the time! How about we call it a day?

That’s the first intelligent thing you’ve said in a very long time…

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