WTFAW: Frozen

Ok, for those of you who aren’t familiar with this theory, the idea is that Elsa’s and Anna’s parents didn’t actually die in the shipwreck, and in fact the shipwreck itself is the opening to Tarzan. They abandoned ship, washed ashore on an island, had a child and lived in a tree house before being killed by Shere Khan’s bitchy cousin.

It’s a neat little theory, which is actually part of a bigger theory from fans to tie together all Disney movies into one central time-line. Elsa’s and Anna’s parents were on their way to Rapunzel’s wedding, when they got caught in the storm that sank their ship.

So, how is the theory complete and utter bullshit? Let me count the ways, Ladies and Gentlemen.

First of all, I would like you to take a look at the couple in this picture.

Let’s call this “Exhibit A”

Now, compare them to the couple in this picture.

Which probably makes this “Exhibit B”

Notice any differences? Such as how Tarzan’s dad has a massive mutton-stache? Or how the mother has shoulder-length hair?

Dave: Sea travel takes a long time. Growing your hair out doesn’t take long. He could have grown a handlebar moustache and she could’ve grown her hair out.

I’m sorry, Dave, but that doesn’t add up for several reasons. After all, the theory is that they were on their way to a wedding. You mean to tell me the very orderly and neat King of Arendale didn’t bring a barber with him to a WEDDING or, if he did, randomly decided to grow a huge mutton-stache and the Queen, in a similar burst of spontaneity decided to grow her hair out?

Seems a bit far fetched, if you ask me.

Dave: Well, it’s still plausible!

But growing out a mutton-stache takes what? Three weeks? A month? Two? I admit, I’ve never tried growing out a mutton-stache, but I can assure you growing the voluminous, well maintained ‘stache Tarzan’s dad is rocking takes longer than two weeks.

And they can’t have been away for MORE than two weeks, since Anna told them “See you in two weeks” before they left! In the time it takes to grow a mutton-stache, THEY WOULD’VE COME HOME!

Oh, and before Dave chimes up again, I’d like point out how, according to his theory, the King and Queen miraculously went from blonde and brown haired to dark brown and ginger, respectively!

It’s magical! Almost like they were completely different people or something!

Also, observe their clothing. Notice the regal, fancy and Sami-inspired clothing the royal couple is wearing, compared to the noticeably more simplistic, VICTORIAN clothing of Tarzan’s parents.

Dave: So the idea of changing clothing is unheard of to you?

No, but changing into clothes from a completely different time period for no good reason strikes me as a bit odd.

Now, I’d like you all to observe the following picture.

You may recognize this as the royal couple boarding the ship taking them on their ill fated journey.

Note the ship size
Please note the size of the ship

Now, I’d like you to take a look at this picture, in which we see Tarzan’s parents leaving the sinking ship, to set up a new (albeit short lived) home in the jungle.

Again, notice the ship size?
Again, notice the ship size?

Isn’t it amazing, Dave, how the ship managed to not only sink, come back up and CATCH FIRE, but also grow from a brig to a man-of-war?

Dave: Disney magic…?

Shut up, Dave.

I could probably end this here… But I won’t.

Instead, I’d like to present what I’d like to call the “Trump card”. This is a detail many seem very happy to ignore, since it pretty much sticks a dagger in the whole theory.

If you observe the second and third picture, you may notice something. Something that is missing from one picture, but present in the other.

Look closely. REALLY CLOSELY! Can you see it yet?

Here, let me circle it for you, if you still can’t see it.

   THE FUCKING BABY!

Again! This trip was supposed to take two weeks! And yet, by the time they sank, they already had a fucking kid! Explain that, Dave!

Dave: Uhm…we don’t know how long pregnancy take in the world of Disney. Maybe it t-

No, Dave.

Dave: well, maybe they were thrown off course for nine months. That would-

They had a photo of themselves, from before the trip took place, where they had the kid.

Dave: Maybe they fell into a time vortex which threw them into a parallel universe where they merged with their alternate selves that look differently, who were working class in London rather than Scandinavian nobility and had a boy instead of two girls….

Do you really need me to explain in how many ways that theory is stupid?

Dave:…. not really, no….

Thought not…

Now, here’s my theory. It’s a bit unorthodox, but I’ll talk you through it.

Frozen and Tarzan has absolutely nothing to do with one another. The only thing they have in common is that they both feature a shipwreck, and even then, they have a lot of differences.

You see, this whole theory spawned from a joke by one of the people who made Frozen. A joke, as in “not to be taken seriously” and sure as hell not to be considered canon. I know some fans just love the idea of all of Disney taking place in one continuity. I’ve no problem with those kinds of theories… All I ask is that they add up.

But this one simply doesn’t. And if you still believe it does, I think it’s time that you, if you pardon the expression….Let It Go.

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