Die Another Day: Addendum

A while back, I wrote about Die Another Day, the 20th film in the James Bond-series. While I do not consider it my best work, I stand by my opinion that the movie is awful.

But that being said, it has been brought to my attention that when I wrote about the diamonds, and I stated that conflict diamonds or “Blood diamonds”, i.e. diamonds that come from mines in war zones and are used to finance warlords or insurgencies, are chemically identical to all other diamonds (since they’re made from nothing but carbon) I was in fact wrong.

I have been informed that natural diamonds, no matter how high the quality, will still contain small amounts of other minerals. Not only that, but it is possible to determine where the diamonds are from, based on those impurities.

As much as I hate being wrong, I hate the idea of knowingly spreading false information even more.

After all, if I write lies to get my point across, then what use is my writing?

So I apologize, Die Another Day. You may be a rancid pustule on cinematic history, but I was wrong in that particular criticism about you….

However…

I would still argue that scene was incredibly stupid. Why?

I’ll give you two very good reasons.

Firstly, while diamonds do contain small amounts of minerals, you would need something more advanced than a jewellers loupe to see those particles. Most likely, you would need something a bit more advanced than your average science lab microscope.

Not to mention that to determine WHERE those particles come from, you would need a mass spectrometer.

Do you know what I didn’t see in this movie? You know, apart from any hope it would ever be any good?

I didn’t see a microscope and I sure as hell did not see a mass spectrometer!

Keep in mind, they made the statement about the diamonds in the back room of a cigar factory in Cuba! Bond is working outside of MI-6 at this point! He has no laser watch, no invisible car and he sure as FUCK doesn’t have a special portable science lab.

Of course, I know what some of you might be saying “But the person he’s talking is a British sleeper agent! He could’ve had that equipment!

To which my response is No, he did not have that equipment. Do you know why? If he had the equipment, it would mean he’d have other equipment too, meaning he’d need an entire science lab.

But the problem with that is that he’s not a scientist. He’s a SLEEPER AGENT. His job is to stay put and act as an undercover asset to intelligence officers. In this case, it’s to provide information. That’s a job that requires you to keep a low profile. You know what isn’t “keeping a low profile”?

HAVING A GOD DAMN ANALYTICAL CHEMISTRY LAB IN YOUR BACK ROOM!

And I refuse to believe that even the MI-6, who sends people on SURF BOARDS INTO NORTH KOREA (and no, I will never let that go) would be so mind-bogglingly stupid as to sabotage their own progress by giving a sleeper agent high class, advanced scientific equipment that might attract a lot of unwanted attention.

The only way they MIGHT have found out where the stones came from would be if they sent it to MI-6 for analysis. But since Bond escaped MI-6 custody and is on the run from them, it’s probably not a good idea to call up M and ask her for a favor!

And secondly, if you stop for even a second and THINK, the entire “conflict diamond” issue is completely fucking pointless!

Sure, you might argue that it’s the fact that they’re conflict diamonds that makes Bond suspicious about Gustav Graves, since the diamonds have his laser signature.

And sure, finding the laser signature of an up-and-coming diamond billionaire in a conflict diamond is pretty suspicious…

Do you know what else is very suspicious?

Finding the laser signature of an up-and-coming diamond billionaire in a diamond hanging around the neck of A KNOWN TERRORIST, MURDERER AND WAR CRIMINAL. Especially when said terrorist is undergoing incredibly expensive gene therapy to change his appearance!

But no, it’s the fucking chemicals that tipped you off.

Brilliant deduction, 007. I’m glad to see that severe drinking problem of yours hasn’t dulled your rapier intellect…

Either the writers decided to make Bond a fucking moron in this movie, or they actually forgot what happened in the previous scene, and had to write in some bullshit handwavy explanation for why Bond should go after Graves.

You see, when it comes to this movie, I’m like a hydra. If you cut down one of my arguments, two far more potent arguments will grow in its place.

And as the final nod to the Lernaen Hydra of ancient Greek myth, I have one immortal argument that will never be contradicted.

No matter what argument you raise in defence of Die Another Day, the fact remains that they SURFED INTO NORTH KOREA!

THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING STUPID!

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